Check another "first" off the list...

Baby Perks can check yet another holiday off his or her in-utero to-do list.  This morning Mommy Perks had the esteemed pleasure of walking in the Dublin St. Patrick's Day pararde.  Yes-that's right, every teacher's dream is to wake up early on a Saturday morning to walk down a street lined with screaming kids who could care less about who you are, and are way more concerned about the potential sweets you may be throwing their way.

I've decided that parades are nothing more than a lazy form of trick-or-treating for little ones.  Seriously-at least when kids trick-or-treat they're typically looking goofy or adorably dressed as they make their way through suburbia peddling for candy-entertaining the houses they visit.  When it comes to parades, the roles are depressingly reversed. This morning, I picked up on the clear juvenile sentiment that unless I was SpongeBob Squarepants dressed as a shamrock, or the funny looking tuba player in the marching band, these rugrats had no interest in waving to, or screaming at me, but were looking past my simple green garb drooling at the possibilities of the candy I was fisting.

In fact, the most attention I got this morning as my hunter green baby bump and I trudged through a sea of shamrocks and four leaf clovers was a nasty warning from the parade marshall who very kindly said: "Mam, if you wouldn't mind-we'd appreciate if you'd hand the candy directly to the children, rather than chucking it at their heads.  We're trying very hard to maintain the safety of everyone here at the parade."  To which I wanted to retort by saying... "EXCUSE ME Miss-I'm-The-Parade-Marshall-and-am-on-a-really-lame-power-trip-because-I-get-to-wear-a-nerdy-green-vest-and-tell-people-where-to-walk...but since WHEN do you have to hand the candy directly to kids at a parade?  You seemed to have missed the newsflash that half the fun of being a parade-attendee is eagerly waiting as the candy passer-outers walk by so you can trample over your loved ones as you all dive for a single tootsie roll that's lying in a nasty gutter where god knows what liquids have lingered prior to the candy being tossed there!  So if you think I'm gonna stop tossing, throwing, heaving this candy at the little punks who fill my days with endless teachable moments (AKA wiping snotty noses, tying shoes, telling them "No!" for the millionth time while answering "Why?" for for the umpteenth time, all while I smile at their darling little faces thanking God I spend my days with children) then you picked the wrong parade to "marshall" lady, because I'm gonna keep chucking candy at children and enjoy it a little more every second as each piece of Bubble Yum leaves my hand.

Anyway, this morning's parade festivities was another wonderful opportuntiy for me to daydream as I strolled down the street about the many "firsts" I'll get to experience as a new mommy with Baby Perks in the coming years.  As cheesy as parades can feel when you reluctantly march in them; when you look out into the crowds, you witness the beauty of parenting at its finest.  Young fathers who've hoisted their baby girl up on their shoulders in hopes of helping them catch a better view of the action.  Mothers dislodging 17 green tootsie rolls from the mouths of their rotten toddlers who are convinced that if they don't eat them all at once they'll disappear into thin air.   The priceless moments we parents live for.   

It's crazy to think about all the "in-utero" firsts Baby Perks has already had in the short 4 months he or she has existed.*  I think back to Christmas time when we began to tell our nearest and dearest about the amazing news of our little one growing inside me.  Ringing in the new year as Daddy Perks and I looked at each other knowing that 2009 was going be one hell of a year.  There's nothing quite like trying to wrap your brain around the reality that one year you and your hubby are soaking in the bliss of married life and the new home you just purchased, and the next year you're anxiously preparing for the arrival of your baby.  YOUR BABY.  And in case you're wondering...No.  It never seems normal to a first-time mommy that there is a human growing inside her belly.  I often catch myself holding my stomach throughout the day and wonder...what do I think me holding my hand on my tummy is helping to do for my unborn child?  Can he or she feel my hand there?  Is my hand serving as a protective shield from the evil forces of our society?  Who knows...but I know one thing for sure...holding my belly for a few more months can barely tide me over for the excitement I feel at the thought of getting to actually hold my baby come August.

 

*Sidenote to loyal readers...Yes-I'm getting really sick of saying "he or she" every time I refer to the unknown sex of our baby and I'm literally jumping-out-of-my-pants excited for April 3rd to get here so we can finally announce our are little one's gender AND name to the world.  Yes-all in one post.  Life is Full of Perks readers...get ready, the beginning of April is literally going to knock your socks off with all the big reveals that will be happening in the Perks household.

Small steps...

Went back to Babies 'R Us tonight.  Requested a scanner from the registry counter.  Had great intentions of "beefing up" our registry which currently has a whopping 6 items on it.  Registered for nine bottles and 18 nipples.  Felt tired.  Went home.  

And I thought registering for a wedding took it all out of me.  Suddenly the china patterns I deliberated over for hours seem insignificant in comparison to selecting a bottle nipple that will seem most like my boob when my kid is sucking on it.

 

Help.

Take a deep breath...

...as you step inside a Babies 'R Us.  To say that it is an experience would be the understatement of the century.  It doesn't matter what relation you have to the baby... mommy-to-be, daddy-to-be, grandma, honorary aunt, illegitimate father...perhaps you're just late for a girlfriend's baby shower and annoyed because that silly printer just spit out 27 pages  of registry lingo that is directing you to "breast buddy" nursing pillows when all you desperately need to find are the newborn onsies.  Whatever the case may be, when you step foot into this mecca of baby blues and pinks, be prepared to witness some beautiful truths about the baby world.  I'm willing to bet that if you ventured out to your nearest retail baby store right this minute you'd see some version of the following characters:

*Frantic Coupon Lady: We've all been in her shoes.  This poor woman is desperate for a deal and it shows.  We stare as she heaves herself up to the counter with her stack of crumpled coupons trying to weed out the ones that aren't expired or for a different store. Her cart(s) are overflowing with economy size boxes of diapers.  She's either investing in enough pampers to donate to every children's orphanage in Sub-Saharan Africa, or the sunday paper advertised one heck of a deal on huggies and she's stocking up on diapers for not only her offspring, but also for her children's children.  We salute Coupon-Mom, as you attempt to rise above the recession and not let your child's undergarments "poop" you out of house and home.

*Clueless Daddy-to-Be: Awww...we feel bad for this guy from the moment we see him.  He's just trying to catch a breath in between his heart palpations at the cost of a can of formula (suddenly the function of his wife's breasts just took on a whole new meaning of "lucrative") and the sweat beads trickling down his neck at the thought of having to put together: _______________. (Fill in the blank with crib, dresser, armoire, bookshelf, pack 'n play, bassinet, bouncy chair, swing, everyday stroller, jogger stroller, umbrella stroller, carseat, high chair, exersaucer, walker, etc.)  We sympathize with him as he thinks about his impending "honey-do" lists with the baby on the way, but we also know his concerns for "leftover screws" after assembling nine million baby gadgets will go out the window the first time they put that bambino in his arms. 

*Mother-of-newborn baby-and-toddler:  This woman is slightly painful to witness.  You're engulfed with an overwhelming sense of pity as you gaze at the puke-stained 3-day-old sweatpants she's sporting, and a bit concerned as she loses sight of her 2 year-old for the umpteenth time as he/she plays hide 'n seek amidst the endless racks of make-you-wanna-drool-they're-so-cute onsies.  With her newborn baby starving, and her toddler possessing unnerving amounts of energy that she wishes she had a fraction of, she tirelessly searches for the "few" things she needs on her list to get in and get out.  Quite frankly, she's a hot mess.  Her hair hasn't seen a brush in weeks, putting together a matching top and bottom was a feat she sacrificed months ago, and as long as she leaves the store with two children and only one of them is crying, the trip to the store will be deemed a raging success.

*First-time Expectant Mother: I must say, I've got a soft spot for this group...being that I recently joined the ranks myself.  The women in this category have an unspoken bond as we saunter about the store googly-eyed about the endless possibilities we dream of for the creature currently residing in our bellies, smiling for no reason.  We look around at all the delicious outfits and our high hopes to have our kid make the "best dressed" list are dwarfed by our actual hopes and dreams for our little ones.  We know that we've got the world on our shoulders to bring another life into the world and not "screw it up."  Yet, in spite of the daunting pressure this challenge can bring, it somehow subsides as we think about all of the "firsts" we'll soon begin to experience with our baby...the first time you hold him...the first time you kiss her...the first time you feed him...the first time you dress her...the first time you take him on a walk with Daddy in the park...the first time you complete a successful trip to the grocery with her in the shopping cart...the first time they smile...the first time they laugh...the first time they reach for you...the first time you realize that there was nothing else in the world you were meant to do more than be their Mommy.

Life moves pretty fast...especially in a place like Babies 'R Us.  But if you stop and look around, you'll notice that we've all got something in common.  Each of our lives have been touched by a very big thing that comes in a very small package.  And once those little feet step into our big world, we will never, ever be the same.

Fun Fruit Friday...

Oh you're dying to know what a title like "fun fruit friday" could possibly entail...

That's right people...from now on, every Friday I'll be giving you the "fruit-by-fruit" comparison of how Baby Perks is sizing up to his or her fellow babies in the produce section!  (If I'm being honest with myself and my readers, and if you know the Perks Family AT ALL, then you know this kid is destined have a sliver, chunk, large part-oh hell with it-this kid is going to be competitive.  Remember...Mommy Perks is already gunning for the title of "best pusher" in the delivery room?!?  

Anyways, the nifty internet is filled with all kinds of strange ways to "size-up" your baby, so I thought...why not go with fruit? We all love a nice piece of citrus every now and again right?  I know I've been trying to eat a lot of it these days.  I think Baby Perks enjoys oranges and strawberries most-just like Mommy.

So-drumroll please...
So isn't that fancy?!?  My child is currently being compared to what can only be classified as the "armpit" of the produce section.  Oh come on-you know you were thinking it.  Who wakes up on a sunny saturday morning, yawns, and thinks...welp, better peel and enjoy a quick avacado before I get my 5-miler in!  That's right-NOBODY.  Now of course, you have to realize, in week 15 our child was a navel orange, and I'm sure in the weeks to come he/she will rise back up into the proud rankings of fruits and vegetables that people actually give a damn about.  However...for our child to be known as an "avacado" on the first official "Fun Fruit Friday" is an utter disappointment.

Tune in next week,  as I try to pick up the pieces of my little one's broken ego.  He or she is currently rolling thier eyes at me for the first time in their life.

Wanna See Baby Perks?!?

Read the previous post to see a the first official ultrasound picture of Baby Perks...I added in the ultrasound shot that left Daddy Perks bragging about our little one's spine...enjoy.

"Best Lookin' Spine"...

Well, we had two visits to the doctor this week-one was expected, one was not.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that over the weekend I was suffering from some wicked headaches.  Some so bad, that on Sunday these headaches migraines caused me to relive my morning sickness glory days.  That's right folks, it was back to the porcelain gods for Mama Perks.  Well, I should clarify...the first time I threw up was actually in Daddy Perks' car in a crumpled up Wendy's bag.  Thank god Daddy Perks often uses the front seat of his car as a dropping place for the remnants of his on-the-go eating habits.  But the subsequent times were actually in the comforts of my own home.  Nothing says HOT MESS like not even being able to keep down an innocent can of Chicken & Stars soup.  Yes-apparently I'm 5 year's old, and to eat chicken noodle soup, I need the needles to be shaped like stars.  (Take moment to think about the yummy juvenile foods you still partake in.  See!  You thought of at least one!)  

Anyhow, by Monday morning Daddy Perks was ready to make use of the fact that we've got a hospital in walking distance of our house, but I told him to hold off so that I could see my own Doc.  Our wonderful OB informed me that about 1 in 10 women suffer from migraines in the 2nd trimester.  (God forbid, I reside in the group of 90 freakin % of women that bypass this lovely symptom.)  Well needless to say, after he took one look at me he prescribed me what can only be described as crack in an orange bottle.  It's apparently a medicine that was developed especially for pregnant women who suffer from migraines.  At this point I want to take a moment to thank "Dr.-I'm-so-smart-I-figured-out-a-way-around-the-fact-that-knocked-up-women-aren't-supposed-to-have-any-drugs" for developing this magical pill.  After taking it, within minutes I felt like all the little silver balls that had been rolling around in my head laughing in my face went away.  So that was the UNEXPECTED visit.

Then, yesterday, we trotted back to the OB for our planned 16 week appointment and another lovely treat.  Now this treat didn't come in an orange bottle...but it was way better.  We got to have an ultra sound and see Baby Perks!  Now keep in mind, this is how the appointment went down.  Daddy Perks and I are in the examining room waiting...he's commenting on how there are NEVER any good magazines for men at these places, (imagine that-the OBGYN office doesn't subscribe to Esquire & GQ) we watch the nurse come in and prep the ultra sound machine...yes-very "Knocked Up"-esque...she puts that jelly-like substance on the wand that will later go in my you-know-where and then we wait for the Doc.  Now, when he comes in he and Daddy Perks strike up a convo about how my hubby does stand-up and improv comedy and 25 minutes later their still bantering back and forth and I was like "HELLO-can I see my child now?!?"   Once the babe was up on the screen for us to see, Daddy Perks made a very astute observation.  "Wow, honey look!  The baby's all curled up in the fetal position."  At which point our OB looked at him, rolled his eyes,  and said, (insert sarcasm) "Yeah-Dad...where do you think we get the expression 'fetal position' from?!?"  HAHAHA.  It was priceless.

Anyways, it was insane because we could literally see our little one so clearly, loud and proud.  Everything from the organs down to every last bone in his/her spine.  In fact, Daddy Perks took our ultra sound pix out into the lobby and started bragging to all the receptionists, (who he thinks have major crushes on him) telling them that his child has the best lookin' spine that he's ever seen.  They of course all laughed and I of course rolled my eyes.  Not because I don't agree...it's true-our child does have one hell of a spine.  But I told Daddy Perks if he's not careful, they're going to red-flag our files because every time we come into the office we make such production about how perfect our baby is...as if they haven't heard that before.



We'll find out April 3rd if we are having a baby boy-perks or a baby girl-perks...and YES, we will be revealing the name FINALLY.  We've kept our lips sealed tight as to our favorite names...so tight that we literally haven't mentioned them to a single soul besides each other.  We can't wait!

Happy Thursday Y'all.

I'm waiting...

Dear 2nd Trimester,

 I have a bone to pick with you.  I am writing to inform you that I'm ready for all the "perks" that pregnant women brag about once they reach the 2nd trimester...

*Energy...where are you?!?  You're not hanging out in my body-that's for sure.  I still prefer lounging on the couch and mid-day naps.  I'm still waiting for my typical spring fever itch to get out and get a good run in-and so are my love handles and inner thighs.  The stuffiness of the gym is starting to get to me, and aside from my weight-training days, I'd rather not step foot in the lovely local where I'm known as that "pregnant girl who had to be hooked up to oxygen a few weeks ago." 

*Sick-free Days...well to be honest, I had been bragging about how my days of throwing up were long-gone.  In fact, it had been two months TO THE DAY  since the last time I'd upchucked...until today that is.  Nothing like an innocent trip to Chipotle with your hubby to remind you that your body is no longer your own.  Coupled with an excructiating headache, there's nothing like frantically searching for an empty something-or-other in the passenger side of your hubby's car to spew into as you simultaneously formulate your order for your burrito bowl.  (Rice, chicken, no beans, mild & hot salsa, a little sour cream, cheese, and lettuce-in case you were dying to know.)  

*Nesting...not in my house.  Oh no-these days the Perks are in a constant battle to stay on top of laundry and general household maintenance.  I often daydream about a day when I could hire a live-in housekeeper who could perform the following daunting tasks: laundry (including: washing, folding, hanging, putting away, and hiding the items which I no longer fit into that seem to continually laugh in the face of my ego, reminding me "long gone are the days of flat tummies Mommy Perks,) dishes, sterilizing bathrooms, vacuuming, making beds, grocery shopping, daily massages (foot and back), and just a person who would listen to the trials and tribulations of a hormonal pregnant woman when Daddy Perks isn't around.

*Speaking of hormones...let's work together to get these in check ASAP.  The emotional highs and lows are killing me. One minute I could burst I'm so overwhelmed with joy at the thought of our little one getting here.  And the next minute...STEER CLEAR.  I've already had to eliminate several typical rituals in my day to avoid them leading me to complete hysterics.  I've made mental notes not to watch the news for fear that they may be doing a feature story on a mother who's taking care of her baby after having both her arms and legs amputated. Or a follow-up on an elephant who was dying of cancer until it was reunited with it's atypical best friend-a golden retriever.  It's bad people.    And poor Daddy Perks has taken this emotional roller coaster ride with me...and god love him-I think he's ready to leave this theme park and have his wife back again.

Is it possible that we could come to some type of understanding?  A "Deal or no Deal" sorta thing?  Give it some thought and get back to me at your earliest convenience.  

Love,

Mommy Perks